Being a single father or mother can be inexplicably exhausting or overwhelming but according to data from Pew Research, it’s becoming increasingly more common. For example, almost ¼ of children under 18 live with only one parent. Furthermore, dads are more successful than moms, despite moms providing the majority of care on average and some of the reasons are surprising, if not concerning.
Single-Family Homes are Increasingly More Common
More than 10 million families in the U.S. reported being a single-parent home in 2022 and around 80% were homes run by single moms. In contrast, the other 20% consisted of single fathers and the finding reflected that single fathers have an easier time than single mothers.
Single Fathers Forgiven More Often
Firstly, and unsurprisingly, one significant reason single fathers tend to fare better than single mothers is because of societal expectations. Society expects far more from mothers as caregivers than from fathers as caregivers. “Single fathers are given much more sympathy, and they are cut more breaks when it comes to making parenting mistakes,” says Jeffrey Gardere, a clinical psychologist in New York City and professor at Touro College of Osteopathic Medicine.
Single Fathers are Commended
Secondly, single fathers are judged less harshly than mothers. In contrast, praised or commended for “stepping up.” “Everything is up to me,” says Sabrina Rickenbach, a widowed mom of an 8-year-old daughter in Malvern, Pennsylvania. “In terms of school, I am expected to be involved, but it is really hard to participate in any activities since I don’t get a lot of help from anyone. It actually seems like everyone just expects me to be able to handle everything. I try my best to keep up, but there are days that I am just tired.”
Single Moms are Expected
While single fathers are often commended for taking on the weight of single parenthood, mothers are expected to do so. “We consider childrearing to be largely women’s domain in the US,” says Caitlyn Collins, PhD, assistant professor of sociology at Washington University in St. Louis, and author of Making Motherhood Work.
“This is problematic for a host of reasons, but it means that society perceives single mothers and fathers differently,” Collins added. “This idealized view of motherhood has roots as old as time. Still, it bears looking at the concept of “intensive mothering.”
Some Moms Face Stereotypes
Christine Michel Carter is a 33-year-old mom of 2. She’s a single black mom, and author, who writes about her journey as a single mom, and a black woman who’s often stereotyped. She reveals that she’s often seen as “struggling, angry, unkempt, and depressed.”
“I have to prioritize my time with work and my two kids since I am the only person handling, for example, emergency visits to the doctors followed by visits to the pharmacy,” says Carter. “I’m definitely not staying for a Girl Scouts meeting when there are other mom leaders there or volunteering during my lunch hour.”
Some Single Fathers Agree
Conversely, because single fathers are commended for stepping up, they see the opposite judgment from others. They often hear comments or questions like “It looks like you have your hands full,” or “Is it mom’s day off today?”
Daniel Ortega is a 34-year-old single father from Boston, who has sole custody of his 3 kids. “I always feel compelled to tell them I am a single father, that I am doing it on my own,” he says. “My insecurity about it all made me feel like I had to explain myself. When they learn I was a single dad, that’s when all the praise comes. ‘Good for you!’ ‘I don’t know any man who would do what you are doing.’ ‘Those kids are lucky.’ I’ve never encountered a mom who received the same praise.”
Single Fathers Need to Prove Themselves
Some single fathers do better than single mothers because they feel they “need to prove” themselves. As a result, they often try harder to keep everything running smoothly. For instance, Damon D’Arienzo, a 43-year-old, is a single father of a 9-year-old daughter. He shares that he often has to try harder to “be taken seriously.”
“I see it in action,” he explains. “A parent hesitates when I ask if their daughter can come over to play. A teacher defaults to the mother when sharing school information. I typically just shrug it off, as letting it get to me does no good. Instead, I can use this energy to be a better father for my daughter. I’ve accepted that these preconceived notions are still very present.”
Custody Awards are More Equal
For generations, mothers were granted custody, almost exclusively. As such, single fathers have had to fight tooth and nail for access to their kids, let alone to be granted custody. As such, they’re more likely to keep their ducks in a row to avoid the risk of losing their kids. However, single fathers are faring better because they’re given a more equal playing field regarding a custody battle. For instance, a courthouse in Wisconsin participated in a 2014 study, finding that between 1986 to 2008 twice as many single fathers were granted custody than ever before.
Unequal Pay
Lastly, single fathers often fare better because men tend to make more than women. For instance, a 2022 study from Pew Research reflected that on average, made around 80% less than men, in the same position and with similar qualifications.
Parenting Can Be Tough
Being a single father or mother is difficult; rather even parents with live-in partners face innumerable challenges. As such, it’s safe to assume that being a parent is as rewarding as it’s daunting and every parent needs support and encouragement. Luckily, ample resources are available to help single fathers and mothers get emotional or financial help.
Inclusivity for Single Fathers
However, single mothers have many more options, making up nearly 80% of the data regarding single-parent homes. As a result, single fathers may not have access to the same information. But people like Dr. Michelle Janning, a professor at Whitman College in Washington, and board member of the Council on Contemporary Families, are offering alternatives for research. Hopefully, this will create a more supportive atmosphere for single parents.
“Scholars are good at comparing single moms to married moms, and married people to single people and moms to dads. But we’re not so good at comparing single moms to single dads,” says Dr. Janning, who’s advocating for the research to “understand disparities between single fathers and single mothers.
Supports Helps Parents Get Rest
While there are several reasons a single father may fare better than a single mother, one thing is clear. Parenting comes with countless challenges and obstacles. However, access to more resources like community gatherings, mental health support, and childcare centers that offer respite for parents to run errands, go to the gym, or have some quiet time to rest, will provide rejuvenation to any parent, regardless of their gender.