It’s not easy being a parent, especially in the first couple of years. At such times, if there is a healthy family around, they are expected to help at least a little bit. For many of us, our fondest childhood memories are from when we were grandchildren. However, that is not the case for every grandparent, as was made apparent in a recent AITA Reddit post.
The OP, who is the mother, describes how difficult the circumstances have been for the couple to look after their 8-month-old child named Jack. It has left them with absolutely no break for more than 6 months. However, even though her mother loves the grandchild, she refuses to help them out even if it is for less than 6 hours. As a result, the mother has taken a pretty drastic decision. OP introduces her situation as:
My husband and I (32f) are first time parents to an 8-month-old son, Jack. I’ve struggled since he was born. I had a difficult pregnancy. My son had colic, and my maternity leave was short. I was diagnosed with PPD and am getting treatment.
My husband and I both have demanding jobs. I’d love to quit, but we can’t afford it right now. I don’t have many friends in the state where we live, and I’m lonely. My MIL is in poor health, and my husband is gone 2x per week helping her. I haven’t had a day or evening off since Jack was born. Plus, our home was flooded by a broken pipe 5 months ago. Handling the cleanup has been a nightmare.
OP Needed A Break, Badly
The whole situation has been such a nightmare that OP has even called up her mother sobbing due to PPD. Her mother does not live very far away either. However, her mother’s response has been absent at best:
My mom (67f) lives 1 hour away and has never once offered to help with anything. We’ve always had a pretty good relationship. She was a stay-at-home mom and was very loving and devoted to my brother, sister, and me. She’s an empty nester and spends her days doing yoga and seeing friends.
My mom wants see the baby if it’s very low effort. I asked her a few times if she could babysit or run an errand, but she always says no. Once I called her at the height of my PPD sobbing, saying I was scared to be alone and could she come over. But she had brunch plans. I stopped asking for anything until today…
Now, OP’s 25-year-old best friend’s wedding invite comes through to State B. Unfortunately, children were not allowed to the venue since it was too dangerous. So, OP had arranged for a babysitter in that state. In another bout of misfortune, that arrangement could not be carried out either. It is at this point that OP tried one last time desperately for her mother’s help:
I’ve spent the past 3 days calling childcare agencies with zero luck. I finally explained my desperation to my mom and asked if she could watch Jack for 24 hours. Or I offered to fly my mom to State B with us, get her a hotel room, and she’d then only need to watch him for 5 hours. I was in tears begging her, but my mom said no. She has a yoga class she doesn’t want to cancel.
Rights To See Grandchild Revoked
This was far too much for OP to withstand. She decided to make a pretty heavy decision:
I told my mom that since she is never willing to help ever, I will be cutting off all contact and she won’t get to see her grandson. I know my mom is under no obligation to help us, but then she should not expect to see my son.
So, is OP an A-hole for making this decision? Reddit does not think so at all. Rather, almost every comment was supportive of OP and critical of the grandmother’s decision. For example, u/threeforagirl explains:
In the real world, relationships are reciprocal and depend on a lot of elements and require cultivation. If we neglect relationships, or if we only take and never give, they wither and die. And the give/take isn’t always symmetrical in the moment: it’s over long periods, even lifetimes, and often means paying it forward. We are cared for as children, we care for our children, our parents help with our children, we help our parents.
Your mother has chosen to opt out of all that by declining to help you when you need it. She doesn’t have to be in that cycle of help and love and support if she’d rather go to her yoga class. But she doesn’t get to cherry pick the easy bits of a loving family relationship and ignore the bits that take work.
You are both entitled to set down the terms of your relationship. She has. Now you are.
I’m sorry this is painful and I hope you get effective help with the PPD.
So, what do you think? Let us know in the comments!