No doubt a good bit of us have been taught that we ought to help others. And the more serious the circumstance is, the more unconditional our help ought to be.
However, there are these two things to consider before helping someone, and that is nuance and context. In most cases, yes, you will help a human in need. But if said human manipulates her custody of kids and her incurable illness in a way that forces her ex husband to provide for her more than is fair in light of his new family—well, then, that urge to help is out the window.
Giving someone a helping hand is the right thing to do in many scenarios, but there are boundaries and limits to consider as well
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
So, when an ex wife starts manipulating her illness and kids custody to deprioritize one’s current wife, it’s probably a good time to stop
Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Frosty_Tear3788
Well, it didn’t go well for the ex as the new wife put her foot down, and her husband supported her
The original post is lengthy, but the gist of it is this: ex wife wants ex husband to continue helping her out as she has multiple sclerosis (MS), is unemployed (for 15 years now) and has the kids most days (which are used as “leverage” for hubby to keep helping).
One day, she throws out the idea for hubby to sell his new wife’s house and to set her up with a tiny house all while the hubby downsizes. The new wife puts her foot down after numerous acts of kindness done already and essentially makes sure the hubby doesn’t have to ever help her out again. Enough is enough.
And folks on Reddit were all for it. Many were pointing out how it is absolutely ludicrous how the husband is even in this situation to begin with. It’s his ex, boundaries have to be set and priorities have to be straightened out. No two ways about it. Otherwise, it just feels like the husband is just being used.
Whatever the case, boundaries have to be set between ex spouses in order for the partners to move on and for things to work
Divorce means that the partners now assume new roles in each other’s lives. You’re no longer partners, you’re separate people, so you shouldn’t rely on each other for anything, really, outside co-parenting.
There are four dimensions to consider. The first and most obvious is the physical boundary, which means things like finding a separate living space, removing the ex’s items and just simply avoiding seeing them. This will also allow you to create a mental space for yourself to process the separation and to adjust to the new way of life.
Number two is communication boundaries. It’s healthy to give yourself several months of no-contact, unless there are commitments involved, in which case only limit yourself to just communication on that and that alone. So, this might mean only using texting instead of phone calls so you could filter out the communication. This also means unfollowing them on social media and the like.
Depending on the situation, there might be financial boundaries too. Co-parenting and paying off a mortgage are some of several cases when you would have to find a system to make it work. Instead of constantly communicating on it, minimize it to just using apps for co-payments and co-parenting after you have agreed on the basics. Also, don’t use kids as a form of communication.
Lastly, there’s the emotional boundary. Keep the partner out of your personal life, let them know that you are no longer a source of emotional support, and make sure, if you have kids, to have the grandparents only talk about the parents in a positive light. It’s essentially all about emotionally distancing yourself.
So, what are your thoughts on any of this? Share your comments and takes on the situation in the comment section below!
People in the comments thought that the author of the post was not a jerk, not even by a mile, offering suggestions for solutions
Others offered their takes and reactions on the matter
