It’s official, ladies and gentlemen: the American nation is currently experiencing its most turbulent era since the argument over pineapple on pizza. The pink-haired soccer phenom Megan Rapinoe, who is considered America’s sweetheart (or foe, depending on who you ask), has made it known that she plans to leave the Land of the Free. You might wonder, why? In the words of the late Rodney Dangerfield, the response is straightforward: “I don’t get any respect.”

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Let’s correct the record now, before we get too dramatic. Not just anyone is Megan. In addition to being a fervent supporter of equal rights and a World Cup winner, she enjoys striking stances reminiscent of the Statue of Liberty after scoring goals. But after receiving a tonne of abuse, largely from those who think that because they’ve played FIFA video games, they can analyze soccer, Rapinoe has jokingly stated that she intends to leave.

Like most contemporary epics, it started with a tweet. “Considering a move away from the USA. Ideas for a new place to live where they enjoy sarcastic forwards and soccer? #RespectRapinoe 🌍✈️🤷‍♀️

The world of social media went crazy. Some made sincere suggestions for travel destinations (“Come to Brazil, we love football!”), while others sarcastically suggested nations without official soccer teams.

There were signs outside Rapinoe’s house that said, “Yard Sale – Everything Must Go!” In particular, Trophies—I already had too many of them!” Alongside World Cup jerseys and hair dye, fans and even some lost tourists rummaged through a collection of soccer memorabilia. Without her signature pink hair, Megan Rapinoe would not be the same.

Megan set out on a journey to find a new country. Canada? Too near. They would most likely continue to discuss the missed penalty. France? The thought of the quarterfinal defeat was too fresh, even though the croissants look enticing. Rapinoe conducted a number of “national respect tests” while traveling from nation to nation. She purposefully missed a penalty in Spain. The throng? They gave her a churro, gave her a cheer, and ended the day.

Rapinoe chose to start her own nation since she was dissatisfied with her worldwide tour. Greetings from “Rapinoe’s Republic,” where soccer is played every day and the national song consists of a variety of chants honoring both goals and misses. The banner? a magnificent pink, naturally.

America sensed the emptiness in the meantime. Yes, the nation did still have apple pie, but something was wrong when Rapinoe wasn’t around. There were distributed petitions. Kids on playgrounds said, “If Rapinoe isn’t playing, neither are we!” as they declined to kick soccer balls.

A delegation was sent to Rapinoe’s Republic, marking a significant change in the course of events. Their objective? to win Megan back. Their negotiating position? A recently suggested “National Respect Day” would see standing ovations for each missed penalty across the nation.

And one thing became evident as this satirical drama drew to an end. In the big picture of life, it matters less how many goals we achieve than how gracefully and humorously we accept our failures. Rapinoe has reminded us all of a universal truth: respect is won not just on the field but also in the game of life, regardless of whether she stays in her Republic or leaves it behind and returns to America.

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